VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I puked a lego.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
