i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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