Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
