he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
