he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
