with your own penis?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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