someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
