yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
