brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
