i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
