He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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