2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
