Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
