I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
