Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
