i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
