its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
