I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You made out with two different species that night
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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