I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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