I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
