Your face is a jimmy john
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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