I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
