I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
