Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
