I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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