Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
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The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
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I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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