1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
