my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
