I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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