We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
