I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
