I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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