i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
