Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She bit a glass in half.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
