Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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