I'm pants shitting drunk right now
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
