jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Randomize
