So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
