Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
