well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Ketchup is God's man juice
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
