it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
