I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
