I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So much Jack, so little girl.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Randomize
