I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
