Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
