so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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