Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
