So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
