Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
