It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
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I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
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Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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