Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
