I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
