Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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