In the future we'll all be gay
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
