a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
