I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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