you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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