He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Randomize
