I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
