Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
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He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
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Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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