You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
